Until I Trust, Without Hesitation

Wow.
What an amazing, horrible, and stressful past couple of weeks it has been.

I knew when I graduated high school that I was going to be starting a new chapter in my life. What I didn't know though, was how this chapter would play out. For the first time in my life, I really didn't know what I needed to plan for, or what I really wanted.

I also didn't know what it meant to put complete trust in the Lord.... I have a better understanding of that now.

Decisions; gotta love them right? (I am still getting to that point). I am a very indecisive person. Ask my sister, my family, or my best friend: simple choices like deciding what earrings to buy at the store, what souvenir to get at Bear Lake, what color to paint my nails, and what to do when we have nothing to do, are unusually incredibly difficult decisions for me. After these last few weeks though, these seemingly difficult decisions, have never seemed so simple in my life.Yes, I have graduated high school and as cheesy as it sounds, I am truly starting a new chapter in my life. This is the first time in my life that I have not really had a plan. There hasn't been cross country, student government, or even "high school" to plan for or to look forward to. All summer I have been trying to plan on something I wanted, but didn't actually have. The problem was though, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't really know what I was looking forward to because I didn't know what there was to look forward to. I felt like I wasn't really in a position that I knew what decisions I needed to make... but I did know that I quickly had to start making some real, important decisions.

This line kept running through my head. I knew College was my first major decision....What if I made the wrong decision and it ruined the rest of my life? What if I wasn't choosing what Heavenly Father had planned for me? The importance and urgency of this decision and so many to come weighed on me very heavily and I started to  freak out.

I thought I had a plan: go to UVU, do all I can to become an ambassador, receive the housing scholarship I wanted, figure out how to pay for school, commute to and from Orem every single day, and just make it work. This is where stress came in. I knew that my plan didn't make a whole lot of sense; but what now? The plan I had made didn't seem right... I didn't know what to do, where to go.... what was best, what I wanted to study, and how I was going to pay for it all. I didn't know where to even start in finalizing this plan, or making a new one....

Fortunately for me, I have very loving, and very logical parents. Sitting down and actually discussing the plan I had made with them made me realize how much my plan really did not make much sense. Going into debt before school even started? Having no time to do anything fun because I was either commuting, in class, or at work? There were many reasons why I was so uneasy about my original decision... and it wasn't a situation I wanted to put myself in.

This is how the last few weeks have gone:

One night, I had a conversation with my parents (as mentioned above) about how realistic and logical going to UVU actually was. Not very. It ended late that night, and I had consciously made the decision to drop my classes at UVU and look into other cheaper, closer-to-home options.

SURPRISE! The next morning I receive an email from a lovely lady at UVU who is part of the Ambassador program that I was hoping to get into. We had been corresponding for months so I knew what the email was about. I read the Subject Line to confirm my prediction. After reading the email and learning I had been awarded a scholarship I had been wanting since March, I wasn't even excited. I was almost... disappointed. Great. I had made a plan to forget about all this UVU stuff. Now I needed to decided what to do... again.

So.... I prayed, a lot. I made a pros and cons list, and thought constantly about what to do. I continued to feel more comfortable with the decision I had made to drop the UVU classes and look into other options. But I still wasn't getting a confirmation that that decision was right. 

So I prayed some more and fasted that Sunday. Still felt the same. Alright, let's go with it. As the following week progressed though, the 'other options' I was looking into didn't seem appealing enough to me to actually do anything about and I became very...depressed. My family started to truly dislike being around me; I was an emotional, irritable, stressed, worried, and confused, pain in the be-hind. I could not stop thinking about what I should do. At all. I had literally broken down each choice to its' smallest part. I had thought about every possibility, every advantage, every disadvantage, and all of the physical, emotional, and mental benefits of both of my options. The stress of not knowing what to do or what was right was emotionally draining.

In my time of darkness and despair (Yes, I know it is dramatic, but it was horrible) and my unproductive days, I spent some good quality time on Facebook. (What is wrong with me!?) I started looking at pictures of one UVU Ambassador who I have become friends with over the past few months, and who I look up to immensely. There were pictures of her with the other Ambassadors at UVU and I started to think again that maybe all of that was what I really wanted. I couldn't admit it to myself though. That night at work I had a great talk with an amazing friend who helped me breathe a little and calm down. She reminded me to keep praying for guidance and peace. I felt reassured about the whole situation but still couldn't stop contemplating. I got home and my mom was loving,  patient, and brave enough to sit down with me and try to figure out what was going on in my head. (something that I didn't even know at this point).

As we talked, I finally admitted to myself that I actually did want to go to UVU and accept the scholarship and become an Ambassador. Once I admitted this and talked about all of the reasons I wanted it, I felt a peace I hadn't felt for weeks. I was excited in a way I hadn't been in months. My mom noticed it too. So this must mean I need to go to UVU, right? I had been praying for confirmation and peace in my decision.... so it must be right. I sure thought so. I started to pray about UVU and the peace that I had been feeling. 

The next day at work, I talked with another great friend who has and will be attending UVU in the fall, and who will be staying in the same housing I'd be staying in. We talked about my experiences and feelings the past couple of days, my sudden change in opinion, and the timing of everything that had happened. We talked about all of the exciting and fun things that we could do down at UVU. We even talked about jobs and being in the same ward together. I was sold. I needed to go to UVU. Everything was happening for a reason. I fasted the Sunday before and felt uneasy all week because what I really should have been praying about was going to UVU. I needed to know that what I thought was best for me actually wasn't. I was feeling this way for a reason, I knew it. Yeah, I would be going into debt, but I could make it work.

Then the time came to talk to dad. My dad has always been the logical and financial thinker in our home. (I often blame this on the emotional tendencies of girls and the 'feelings' we have... and he's just smart.) He had been gone for a week and I was afraid to tell him what my new plan was, because I knew he would find some problems with it.

Yes, our discussion was discouraging. But it made me realize a lot and think a lot. I still emotionally wanted to go to UVU and my parents supported that. We agreed that my plan should be to find out as much as I could about this scholarship that I seemed to want so badly. Well, the more information I found out, the less excited I was about the whole UVU scholarship and situation overall. But what do I do? I still emotionally wanted what I was being offered at UVU, even though I knew it logically and financially it made absolutely NO sense.

Oh, and I forgot to mention. The day I found out that I had received the Ambassador Housing Scholarship at UVU I also found out that I needed to let them know by July 24th what I had decided. (That gave me 15 days. 15!!!) Great, now I had to make a decision by a deadline.

Throughout all of this though, I started to have more consistent scripture study and prayer. I have never prayed so intently or openly in my life. I have never felt closer to my Heavenly Father and had more faith in Him... even if it was extremely difficult at times.

I went to friends mission farewell in the middle of all of this and he shared this scripture. I knew I needed to keep praying, and reading my scriptures and having faith that everything would work out.

So..... I prayed more and pondered more......like ALL THE TIME. Eventually, I had enough information to make a wise decision. I had one day left to decid. I had absolutely NO idea what to do. I was emotionally, logically, and financially torn. How could I just let go of this scholarship that I have been wanting since March? (I missed part of Prom for this!)  I felt horrible. I was also kind of in shock and I just felt extremely blessed... so wouldn't I have been ungrateful to just decline it? 
I had been accepted to be an Ambassador of Utah Valley University. Wow. I just couldn't get myself to simply let it go... even though I knew I needed to.

When all we have is faith and we have done all we can, the Lord provides a way.

July 23rd, (yes, the day before I had to let UVU know), my mom walks in with a huge stack of mail, with an unusual number of the envelopes addressed to me. Used to receiving useless mail from random colleges, and other random companies, I started to open the mail out of curiosity. When I saw that two of the envelopes were from SLCC, I didn't really think much of it. The first one informed me that I unfortunately, I had not received a scholarship I had applied for. Alright, I wasn't really expecting it. The second letter from SLCC informed me that I had received a scholarship. A scholarship that would cover my tuition and fees. Whoa.

Great, more decisions.

To make an even longer story a tiny bit shorter, that night as my family was watching a movie I started searching classes at SLCC on the computer and made a list of ones that sounded fun to me. I started getting excited just thinking about it.

Heidi. You could go to school for free. It would be stupid of you not to take this. Choosing to go into debt and having absolutely no free time is simply not worth it when you could have the exact opposite. For free.

I knew what I needed to do and I signed into my UVLink and pretty much had to force myself to just press the decline button on the Scholarship offer. 

I had made a decision. I was not going to UVU. I was going to Salt Lake Community College and my school was going to be paid for.

The amount of love and peace I felt in that moment was incredible. I broke down into tears as I told my parents what I had done. At the time I thought it was because of how truly difficult it was for me to decline that scholarship. Looking back on it now, I think the tears were also a pouring out of the immense love and assurance I felt, along with joy and relief that this decision finally had been made.

"Faith in God includes faith in His timing."

-Neal A. Maxwell

Oh man, how I know this is true. The Lord pushed me literally to my limit. I learned to have faith that the Lord will provide a way for me to accomplish His will. I needed to learn to have faith in His timing, not my own. I learned a lot about patience throughout all of this. I know the experiences and feelings and fears, and worries, and the testimony I have felt and gained within the last few weeks are all things that will help my with other decisions in my life. I know that He has a plan for me.

It is amazing to look back and realize how everything just seemed to happen so perfectly. 

The Lord is in the details of our lives. I know this is true and I know that we can turn to the Lord for anything. He really is ready and willing to listen... and guide us. If we let Him.

Until I trust, without hesitation.

When humility has chased away the pride.

This is a line to a song that I listen to often in my car. These past couple of weeks though, it has been a constant, comforting, and motivating reminder. This whole experience taught me to trust and rely on my Heavenly Father. It taught me to trust that He truly does have a plan for me and He is more than willing to help me. He is always there.

I know that this whole decision seemed HUGE to me, and I know that I may shortly realize how unimportant it really was. I also know that to all of you reading it may seem like a pretty simple decision, and that I shouldn't have stressed so much about. What I learned from this decision and experience though, is something I want to remember. It is something I want others to possible find comfort in. 

Whatever decisions we face in life, there is always someone willing to listen and to guide us. Our Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives.

And that is definitely something to smile about. :)

Grateful for hard times, and the times when you realize it was all worth it..... til next time.....

Keep smiling :)