I am not going to lie. I miss ninth grade basketball. I miss the parties we'd have before practice, the times we'd mess around on the track or in the hallways.. I miss the team. I miss sophomore year when high school was so new and exciting and I realized that I literally thrive on being busy and making friends. I miss the seniors that were seriously super heroes to me (Creating Heroes... get it? ;) ). I miss managing the basketball team and the people I met because of it. I miss running with my friends, and going to games. I miss it when Muffin would chase me up the stairs, and when I would spend time watching weird Youtube videos with Spencer during lunch. I miss the times when "Party Rock Anthem" would come on and Student Government would become a dance team. I miss when Alexa, Spencer, and I would sing "Only Hope" and watch Spencer drool over Mandy Moore. I miss Chemistry class when Caden, Quinn, TK, Preston, Murphy and I would goof off and then learn more from Murphy in five minutes than we would from the teacher. I miss indoor track conditioning. I miss those times when I was able to surprise (or creep people out) people by letting them know I remember them from when we were in the same class in 2nd grade. I miss that nervous feeling I'd get before assemblies. I miss the spiritual thoughts we'd share before XC races, and the obnoxious singing on the way home. I miss junior year and the motivation I had to push myself. I miss the opportunity I had to learn so many new things that I didn't realize would end up helping me to help others. I miss the Christmas Extravaganza and the dance Devinee and I made up. I miss morning track practices when we were all so tired, we were crazy, including Rush. I miss Mr. Jensen's class and hearing his hilarious accents. I miss the relationships and friendships I made this year. I miss planning Prom and loving every second of it, and hugging Ms. V after because I was done. I miss my senior year and feeling a love for so many people that I had never felt before. I miss assembly rehearsals, cross country practice, and long days at the school making sure we were ready for an upcoming event.. I miss the time when the Front Row Crew and I became friends. I miss crazy rainstorms and BYU games with some pretty cool people. I miss painting. I miss making posters. I miss dressing up like an elf. I miss long conversations with close friends in the hallway. I miss saying hi to hundreds of people everyday and feeling lucky when I got to see Mama Ham. I miss early morning meetings, doing the announcements, talking to Mr. Quarnberg, and walking in and out of the office at least 20 times a day, each time being greeted with a smile from the cute ladies at the desks. I miss the friendships I had with teachers and students... I miss being a part of something bigger than myself.
And that's okay.
A few weeks ago I went back to the high school twice in one day. This was weird for me. I hadn't gone back to visit since the very beginning of the year, and you could say I have almost been avoiding as much of high school as I can. I finally accepted that as hard as I may try, I can't avoid it. I live with a junior who is on student government and involved in sports (pretty much doing what I did, but better) and excited about everything, a freshman who just made the sophomore basketball team, and an 8th grader who is just as excited and involved in the basketball world as the older two. I realized my life will be much more enjoyable if I just have fun with the little (yet huge) part of high school that still lives in my home. Going with one of my old high school friends to visit my two favorite advisors and teachers that morning made me realize how much I truly miss what I used to be involved in. Especially at this time of year. Everyone was getting geared up for Sub 4 Santa; I saw it when I visited that day, I see it on social media, and I hear about it all of the time. This is something I told myself I would never miss. It is crazy and tiring and stressful and hard. But guess what? I am really missing it. I miss devoting the majority of my time to a something that was completely about others. As I went to the basketball game later on that day, memories of friends and experiences I had there came rushing back. I know this is natural and is something everyone experiences. I guess I just finally admitted to myself that "yeah, I do miss parts of high school".
And that's okay.
Since I have graduated people often ask me how it is to be graduated. I usually say "it is definitely different, but it is good; it's better than high school." I think that is true. I loved high school, but there are things I couldn't go back to. As I was graduating, I told myself I had to move on. As summer went on and I started college, I was even more convinced that I had to move on, which at the time meant that I had to leave behind anything from the last few years of my life: feelings, experiences, even close friends. I am grateful for the experiences I have had since graduation and for the opportunities I have had to grow... because I have grown a ton. But, I regret the attitude I had that I needed to 'forget' the things and people I loved. Part of the growing I've had to do is realize that I was wrong. Yeah, I need to move on and progress, but that doesn't mean I can't still love and treasure everything that I did.
(for any of you I have done this to, I am truly sorry)
I miss the simplicity of high school and not really having a lot to worry about. I miss literally having my year written out for me on a calendar that I was given before the year even started. I miss having daily responsibilities. I miss having multiple opportunities to do things for others when I didn't even realize it. I miss the planning, the stressing and preparing, the creating... I miss being busy and having fun. More than ever before I have realized that I think too much about things and I could make things a lot simpler for myself if I didn't.
I miss all of my friends. I never realized how important, valuable, and amazing friends were in my life until they all either left for college, missions, or are still in high school and living a completely different life than I am. Throughout high school I always felt like I had lots of friends. I had a few close ones, but I was lucky enough to consider most people I came in contact with a friend. Since I have started college, my social circle has diminished quite a bit. I have been blessed with a particularly amazing friend, and some others that have come and gone, but I seem to spend more time alone with myself than I ever do with other people. Even my family. This is bad for a person who can literally drive herself crazy with too much time.
I have realized how much people can make a difference in my life and that it is my choice to let people in.
Not just people, but people that I know, love--and most importantly--serve. These people were the ones I surrounded myself with for 3 (well, 4) years and that I truly took for granted. I feel more selfish than I ever have in my life, most of it is by choice, some by circumstance. Another thing I don't like.
Now, I know that attitude is a choice. I know that we can choose to be happy. I know that there are many things that I miss, but they are things that I can get back...whether in the same form or not. I know that there are opportunities to serve all around me... they are just aren't laid out as simply anymore.
And that is okay.
It is okay that nothing is as easy as it used to be. If that was the case, I wouldn't progress.
It is okay that I am not a part of a team, or that I am not on student government anymore. There is a time and a place for all things.
It is okay that I actually have to make my own decisions and trust myself and my own feelings. It is probably harder than it should be, but I know it is important.
It is okay that I have to go out of my comfort zone to find others to talk to and serve. The comfort zone I broke out of during high school quickly closed back up since graduation.
It is okay that I have to make new friends. People come and go for a reason and I know there are so many people in this world that I can learn from and that I can serve and love the same way I did in high school.
It is okay that I miss what I used to be a part of. It is natural. If not I think I would be a little un-grateful.
It is okay that I don't know what I want to go into. I'm not even 19.
It is okay that I have absolutely no idea where I will be in a few months from now. I'm not supposed to. That's what prayer is for.
It is okay that I truly have to rely on the spirit more than ever to help me make decisions. If I don't, I find myself being pretty stupid.
It is okay that there are some people that I really miss from high school. That is natural. They were a big part of my life.
It is okay that I miss the excitement of high school. But again, there is a time and a place for all things.
It is okay that I honestly cannot wait for my brother to come home because I miss one of my best friends. Haha even though we'll have to completely get to know one another again, I am really excited.
It is okay that my parents have become some of my closest friends... I think that is how it should be. That is one reason I am grateful I am still here in West Jordan.
It is okay that I have truly learned to love being with my family and spending useless (but valuable)time with them. I didn't do a lot of this during high school and I think I really missed out.
Life is different than it was a year ago. And it is okay. "To everything there is a season and purpose under heaven." There is a time and a place for everything, and season and purpose for all that God wants us to do. It not the time nor place for me to be in high school anymore, and I guess there is purpose in me trying to figure out where I really do belong and who I really am at this stage in my life. I am grateful that Heavenly Father is so patient with me and is always there to help me.
It is okay that there is a lot I miss from the last few years of my life. But I know I can't try to live in the past. Loving what I did and accepting that it is over is necessary for me to move forward in faith. For the longest time I denied that I missed anything. I miss a lot of it and I learned even more from all of the experiences I had. But now it is time to embrace where I am, have fun, and move forward in faith. The decisions I am making now may seem huge, and life may not seem as simple anymore, but I know in a few years, these decisions may not seem as big anymore. I also know the experiences I have had the last few years are helping me get through this new stage of life.
I don't know about any other freshman college students, but sometimes life seems to hit me in the face and it scares me to death. It is overwhelming and stressful and a little frightening... but so exciting.
Although it may take me a while to realize it, I know everything will be okay.
Sometimes I need to take a step back, realize how blessed I am, and trust that after I have done all that I can, the Lord will cover the rest. This is pretty amazing. I am so grateful to have such a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who knows exactly what I am going through.
 |
| Psalm 46:10 |
I definitely still have a lot to figure out. And that is okay. That is why we are here, right? To learn and become who the Lord wants us to become. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously." (this is something I have been experiencing more than ever) "When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they're evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more." I find extreme comfort in that sentence. I know the Lord is aware of me and my worries, my fears, my questions, my trials, my achievements, and my heartache. He is preparing me.
Yeah, I miss a lot of things about being in high school. There is a lot to miss- I had some pretty amazing experiences. But life goes on. And it is okay. I am grateful for everyone who was and is still a part of my life. Whether we were close friends, classmates, or acquaintances, even a smile made all the difference.
This was kind of a venting post, but they are thoughts I had to express in some way, even if it was only to myself.
All of the memories I had throughout high school still make me smile. Hopefully, wherever you are, you are making memories that make you smile as well!
Keep smiling :)
It is okay.
