"Once Upon a Times"

Yesterday I had the privilege of getting one of my wisdom teeth out, so I have been doing a lot of sitting and thinking. Yes, I said one of my wisdom teeth. (I am incredibly blessed.) And yes, I did say it was a privilege. As one of my co-workers put it the other day, getting your wisdom teeth out is "just another step on the missionary path".

Wait. A mission?

Where did that come from?

For any of you who have known me for a while, (at least within the last year), you may have been aware of my "disinterest" in going on a mission. If you were to ask my parents they'd probably tell you that I was kind of against the idea. They wouldn't be wrong. It was hard for me when people would come up to me with a big smile on their face and say, "Oh, you're going on a mission, right?"  I felt like I was letting them down when I said "no, I don't think so". It became something that I felt was expected of me, even though I had never mentioned I wanted to go on a mission. I became a little bitter and pretty much blocked the idea out of my mind. I wasn't going on a mission.

Luckily for me, the Lord works in mysterious ways; His timing is absolutely, unmistakably, and infinitely perfect. He loves me, and us, more than you or I can comprehend.

Let me tell you a story. I will have to write out a somewhat condensed version, because well, it's been a year. A LOT can happen in a year.

...I graduated from high school, unsure what my next step was and I had a head full of emotions and "unknowns". Just when I finally thought my plan for the next stage of life was great, the Lord presented me with some important decisions. I prayed day and night. Read my scriptures more than I ever had. And fasted more intently than I had ever tried. On the day that I was supposed to make my decision, my Father in Heaven lovingly and knowingly placed the answer to my prayers inside my mailbox. (No joke.) That decision was made. I would be attending Salt Lake Community College. For some reason, I knew He needed me to stay.
Emotions were still high, and the "unknowns" kept growing. Again, a few months later, I was faced with another incredibly hard, but absolutely right decision to make. It felt like part of my heart was being ripped out. (Dramatic, I know.) I thought what I had experienced over the summer was hard; I was wrong. I had never prayed more willingly, more intently, more openly, or more personally than I did at this time. I needed guidance, comfort, and strength. I was constantly studying the scriptures, words of Prophets and Apostles, and trying to surround myself with good things. I knew the decision I made was right, but it was so, so, so, hard.
(Then came a thought: What if I went on a mission? I didn't entertain this thought too long and I brushed it aside saying, No. Not interested.)
Throughout the 'heartache' I was experiencing at the time, a wonderful and loving friend came into my life. Luckily for us we had a bonding moment at the beginning of our senior year, so we already had a head start on our very important friendship. If you ask me, the Lord knew what He was doing ;) I quickly realized that this friend was one of the biggest reasons I hadn't moved away. I needed her. We told each other everything and we immediately became best friends. She even invited me to her Institute class, a Mission Prep course, since she was planning on serving a mission. Obviously, I wasn't planning on serving a mission, but if I went I was able to get out of the house, talk with another human being rather than sitting alone at home, and feel the spirit. I couldn't very well pass the opportunity up. Plus, the teacher was super funny and I always left with a smile on my face.
Then one day, later in September, I thought I had met my prince charming. Literally. He was practically perfect and it all worked out like a puzzle. The pieces just seemed to fit. Again, this was a time of much prayer and studying. I was grateful for the great example of this young man to encourage me to do such things.  A decision that I wanted to be so right, was just... wrong. We weren't together very long, but the time we had together was full of good times, growth, and good lessons to be learned. He deserved a lot better, but his Christ-like example is something I knew I'd always be grateful for.
No Prince Charming then? Nope. Not yet. Up to this point in time I can say that I honestly had been trying to figure out who I was going to marry. Because obviously that is what happens right after you graduate high school. ;)
Definitely not. At least for me. I quickly learned that I was nowhere near ready, nor quite so interested in getting married yet. I was too young, too immature, too inexperienced at life. I needed to become me.

So what was my next step down the yellow brick road? I had no idea. Still, emotions were high, and the "unknowns" seemed to be multiplying. I wasn't interested in dating anymore; I was going to school, I was working, and I was attending institute... I felt like I was just floating and not going anywhere. I didn't know what to do to help me become who I was meant to be. I was struggling with feelings I had never had and past experiences were ever so present. It was hard for me to let go of the past. I needed something to focus on, something to look forward to and work for.

(Maybe I should go on a mission. What? Am I just thinking that because I don't have a boy or because I don't know what else to do? What are my reasons for wanting to go? I would learn so much about myself... But it'd be too hard... Why am I even having these feelings?)
One night I was discussing these thoughts and feelings with my little sister and she told me, "maybe you don't have a boy because you are supposed to go on a mission..." Even though I didn't know if it should, this statement meant something to me. I still had no idea so I prayed and I fasted. I read and I studied. These thoughts were still there and it still growing. Am I really supposed to go on a mission? What are my reasons for even thinking about this? I didn't know...
My last day in mission prep the teacher looked me in the eye, pointed at me, and said "Sister Heidi" while he was explaining an experience that future missionaries could have with an investigator. This was huge to me and the spirit definitely touched me that night.
The thoughts of a mission started become more serious so I started to acknowledge them more. You can imagine my parents' surprise when I'd subtly bring up a mission or say things like "So, if I go on a mission....". Needless to say, they were shocked. (I was too.)

I kept praying and asking Heavenly Father what these thoughts meant, what was right, and if I should prepare for a mission. My confusion didn't go away, and the "unknowns" didn't either. I went to the temple, I talked with my friends and family, and I continued to fast and pray.
I finally realized that I wasn't getting a "yes" or "no" answer to my many prayers, but I wasn't doing much to find the answer. So I decided I needed to start doing something to help me figure out what the Lord wanted me to do, I needed to start acting. I needed to change what I was praying for. Throughout this process my will started to turn more toward the Lord... I wanted to do whatever He wanted me to do.
I was invited to go to mission prep for our stake one day. In the back of my mind, I had no doubt I needed to go, but I still debated it all day long. I quickly forced myself out the door before I could decide to stay home, and I am so glad I did. It really was something I needed to do; little did I know that day would go on to shape future decisions.

Since then a lot has happened; the thoughts of "I am thinking about a mission", turned into "I am planning on a mission and will start preparing for one, but I'll keep praying and see how I feel". My confusion started to level out, even the "unknowns" didn't bother me so much anymore. There were times when doubts would come up, times when confusion seemed to spiral out of control, and fears would block out any faith I had gained. But, I knew going to mission prep would literally brush these thoughts away and it always did. I knew that I could pray to Heavenly Father for strength to overcome these road bumps and receive the strength I needed. I started to recognize how I felt during and after mission prep. The excitement I felt was something I hadn't felt since high school on Sophomore Orientation Day. A day when I was just so incredibly excited to share what I loved with so many people. (Hmmm.... that's what a mission is...)  I couldn't deny that I felt like going on a mission was the right decision. So, my decision to plan on and prepare for a mission became more serious.

Once these thoughts became more serious, I started to have material and financial worries because of decisions I had made long before the thought of a mission ever crossed my mind. I prayed and expressed my concerns to Heavenly Father, and He literally took away those concerns in a way I would have never imagined. It was almost like He was telling me, "You don't have to worry about that anymore. I want you to go. Go." It was an incredible experience. I felt that if I didn't go, I would be completely ungrateful.
After that my thoughts progressed to, "I am starting my papers". Once I decided to do that, the confusion was gone, the "unknowns" didn't even cross my mind, and I started taking more advantage of the Atonement and its' enabling power to move forward in faith. I felt a happiness and hope that I hadn't experienced for a very long time. I knew those feelings meant something. Now, I can happily and excitedly say "I have my interview with the Stake President today to submit my papers! I am going on a mission!"

For now, we can say that is the end of that story.... even though it's not. :)

(Again, that was a very condensed version. There is so much I could write. Sorry, it was probably confusing.)

My point in telling my story is that,

My story isn't your story. Neither is it your typical fairytale. But, I can honestly say that looking back, it feels like one. No princess is ever able to surpass adversity, confusion, fear, and tribulation before she earns the crown or finds her Prince Charming; in the end, all of the hard times made the good times possible, and so much more sweet. I know this is true in our lives and we are reminded  of it when Elder Uchtdorf said,

"Has there ever been a person who

 did not have to go through his or her

own dark valley of temptation, trial, and sorrow?

Sandwiched between their "once upon a time"

and "happily ever after,"

they all had to experience great adversity."

 

Everyone experiences hard times. It is necessary and inevitable for our growth. Without the bitter, we would never know the sweet. Everyone has their own "once upon a time" .... and in the end, we all will have our own "happily ever after".

 

I imagine that the joy and happiness I have felt since I have made the decision to serve a mission is similar to what a princess feels when she marries Prince Charming, saves the kingdom, or beats the old witch after overcoming terrible beasts, wars, and evil stepmothers. Although the situation is different, the idea is similar; they overcame their own trials and adversity. Their story isn't mine, and my story isn't yours.

 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about those I know that are seniors in high school right now. I think back to this time last year and how much I struggled. I remember the worry and fear I had, the sadness I felt, and the "unknowns" that lingered. I remember the "perfect" plan I had made in my head for the rest of my life because I thought I knew everything. I remember comparing my life and my experiences and my plans to that of others. I didn't realize that I had my own story, and so did everyone else. I remember feeling completely inadequate to become "an adult", and lost because I didn't know what I was doing. I think back to all of the times the adults around me would say to me "Just wait, life begins after high school." Although I knew this was true, I never completely understood it. I could never wrap my head around it. High school was my life. I think about those that may be experiencing these same things and I just want to help. I know it is hard.

I went through emotions, trials, temptation, sorrow, and adversity that I never imagined I would, just like most freshman college students. I became someone I didn't think I could be (both in good and bad ways), and had to try and overcome weaknesses I didn't know I had. So, what would I say to my high school self, my college self, anyone that is in high school right now, or just anyone experiencing life, and may be struggling in similar ways I did?

 

Trust. Trust that the Lord has a perfect plan made just for you. It will be your own unique, amazing, and beautiful fairytale. Yes, you will have hard times. You will experience adversity you never imagined. You will be confused, lonely, and scared... You will have to decide who you want to be, learn who the Lord wants you to be, and stay close to Him so you can know how to become that person. You will have your plans changed. Trust that the Lord knows YOU and loves YOU. Trust that you have a Father in Heaven and a loving Savior who are completely aware of YOU. Your Savior will be there when you are lonely, confused, and scared. He understands what you are going through and He knows what is best for YOU. Even if it doesn't seem like it.Your Father in Heaven will always hear your prayers. He has a plan for YOU. It is only yours. No one else's. But, you have to do your part in moving forward on the path that leads to your "happily ever after". No princess married the prince by sitting in her room waiting for someone to find her. No Olympic Athlete wins a gold medal by watching everyone else train. They acted, they searched, they fought, they worked, and they served. You will experience hard times, but you will experiences some pretty amazing times as well. You will learn new things, face new challenges, and grow in ways you never imagined.

Set goals. Meet new people. Have fun. Try new things. Stay humble. Pray... a lot. Read your scriptures. Consistently. It will help. Read your Patriarchal Blessing. Learn how the spirit speaks to you, then listen to the Spirit and heed its' promptings. You never know what the Lord is preparing you for. He is preparing you though, and He will provide a way for you to overcome any difficulty you face. Remember that “You are a beloved daughter (or son) of Heavenly Father, prepared to come to the earth at this particular time for a sacred and glorious purpose.”  ^{(Elder Uchtdorf)}
That is what I would like to tell anyone who is struggling right now. It also what I have to tell myself when confusion, worry, doubt, and fear set in.

 

If you would've asked me a year ago if I was going to SLCC, I would've said "Definitely not." (I don't know why. It just wasn't my plan. SLCC is a great place and if you plan on going there I think that is awesome.) A year ago I never, ever, ever thought I would happily and excitedly be able to say that I was going to serve a mission. I probably would have laughed at you if you did think that. BUT, luckily for me, the Lord is patient. He is kind. And He knew what I needed to learn. He knew how to open my heart little by little to be able to fully accept His will. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for you.

 

1 Nephi 7:12 says,

"Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

We can put ourselves in this scripture: "Yea, and how is it that ye, ____, have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for you, if it so be that you exercise faith in him? Wherefore, be faithful to him."

 

In a lifetime full on adversity, it would be hard to live without faith in the Lord. How can we not make it to our "happily ever after" when we have this knowledge? This scripture makes it so simple: The Lord is able to do all things according to the faith of His children. So, let us be faithful to him!

 

"Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Amen." (D&C 4:7)

Between our "once upon a time" and our "happily ever after", we are going to need some help. Prayer is one of our greatest tools. I know the Lord answers our prayers. But, we need to ask, we need to knock, and we need to work, in order for Him to answer. It may be in a way that is completely unexpected. It may be in a way that we don't even realize was an answer until months later. It may take a few weeks or months to even receive an answer. He may even answer in a way that is not what we want. But, He will answer, and He will answer in a way that is best for us. I know He will. Trust in Him, He knows what is best.

 

I know that the Lord has a plan for each and every one of us. He has set a unique and special "once upon a time" and "happily ever after" in place for us individually if we follow Him. He is always there. Always. He knows us. He know our strengths, weaknesses, worries, fears... everything. He loves us more than we will ever be able to comprehend.

 

For this reason, I want to serve a mission. I have seen the Lord's hand in my life this past year in ways I never, ever imagined. He has blessed me in times I needed it most. He is there to lift me whenever I fall. He is forgiving and patient. I want to show my love for Him by serving Him in whatever way possible. I have felt of the strength that reading the scriptures can bring into my life, and the guidance that we can receive through them. I have experienced the enabling power that the Atonement can bring into our lives, and the incredible happiness that comes with the knowledge that He loves me. I have felt of His unconditional love. I want to others to feel that. I want others to be able to recognize the difference that having the gospel in their life can make. I want to see the light in their eyes grow as their testimony of the Savior does. I want others to feel the love that their Father in Heaven and Savior have for them. I want them to love their "once upon a time" and keep moving forward to their "happily ever after".

 

"In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy."

-Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

 

 I am grateful for my "once upon a time" that has only just begun, and I am excited to continue my path toward my own "happily ever after" as I serve a mission in a few shorts months.

 I hope that we can all move forward on our path toward our own

with a smile on our face, and joy our hearts.

Keep smiling :)

***For any of you high school seniors that read this, or anyone of any age, that need someone to talk to, about anything, I would love to be that person. If their is anyone who would like to know more about the experiences I have had, the failures, the trials, and the adversity that have led me to this point, I would love to share.